The month of Drew draws to a close, and a few more surprises.

Drew at his last big formal event before leaving home

So, here it is June 1st and Drew is still here. It's because he was never going to leave on June 1st, he was always going to leave June 7th we just somehow got it all mixed up. I'm glad though, I have another week with my son and the Month of Drew becomes the Month of Drew plus 1.

It turned out to be just as I had thought - not a lot of meeting his every need. He's not a needy kid. Well, in a month and nine days I can't even call him a kid anymore. He'll celebrate his 21st birthday doing sit ups and push ups and trying to get his 1 1/2 mile run time down. But it's all good because it's time for him to step up and step out. That's what we spent the last 20 years doing... raising him to leave.

May was a pretty amazing month. It started with organizing what was needed to officially graduate #2 son, Sam, from High School. It's a bummer, in a way, that he didn't have a stage to walk across, however, I can't imagine him even feeling comfortable in front of all those people. I think he'd choose taking college classes over walking a stage any day.

Congratulations Sam
Class of 2011

I know he's relieved. His brain has been tired, he's been tired. He's working about 20 hours while taking a full load of college courses. He's due a rest. He's taking a year off to work closer to full-time and save some money for his last two years of college. It's hard to believe that in another year my home will be reduced to two children.

Kate was another kid who had me going hot and heavy. She had a choir concert only days after her ballet performance. It was amazing to watch her dance again. This year, instead of a bunch of different classes coming out and doing a dance for people who are dying for some OTHER class to dance, one of the dance instructors wrote a ballet. It was based on "The Parable of the King" by Beth Moore. It was beautiful and it was an excellent opportunity for the Upper School kids to participate in something awesome for the Lord.

Kate's class were the animal creatures.
Cute duck...

All of this kept my mind and my heart busy. Keeping me from reflecting on what this house will be like with one less person. And not just one less person but my friend. Drew is the one that would talk with me for hours. He loved to talk politics, economics, eschatology, theology, you name it, he would discuss it with joy. He and I love to listen to Rush Limbaugh together and while I hated to listen to the extreme liberals go on and on and on, he'd love to listen to them and laugh and I realized how much of his own person he was becoming then. He's like me, in a lot of ways, poor kid. He's better though. He can have a conflicting conversation with anyone and then in the end, agree to disagree and move on to the next "event". I have never been good at conflict, I never will.

I'm excited for him. He has so much of life ahead of him, so much adventure he has no idea he's about to meet head-on. He's got a precious girl waiting out there to be his wife. He doesn't know her and she doesn't know him but God knows both of them and He has plans for them. He has places to go, people to meet. It's all one big adventure. And he will do it apart from me, apart from us. THAT is the one thing that I will have to get most used to. Day after day, I am a part of his life. It's not that I'm nosy or a nag or force myself into his business it's just that we have moved somewhat past the "mom and son" relationship to as close to friends as a mom and son can be. We talk about a lot and I know what's going on inside his head and within his life. In less than 7 days he will live day after day after day without me knowing anything about his days. I won't know about the good, the bad, or the ugly.

It's ok, that's the way it's supposed to be, that's the way God designed our families. I feel sorry for the parents who dread the day their children leave and begin their lives away from their childhood home.It'd be foolish of me to think that I won't spend some time wiping tears this summer. It's a big transition. But my heart isn't really sad. My heart is filled with excited anticipation at what the Lord has in store for my #1 son. Lord willing, the next picture I post of Drew will be in his Air Force uniform.

Oh, and I'm nursing a hurting husband just home from the hospital after hernia surgery. He's got until Sunday afternoon to feel good enough to board a plane because at 1:30 he's off to yet ANOTHER super secret location for two weeks. During that time I will be painting and painting and painting in order to move Sam into Kate's room and Kate into the room Sam and Drew shared. I am hoping that all that work helps the summer go quickly. I don't usually wish my summer away but I can say that I will be excited to drive to San Antonio and watch my son graduate from Basic Training. After that, I think I will be better able to rest in the place God has for me right now... at least for another year, when #2 son moves off to college, but that's another blog post.

And in the midst of all this, I choose to begin another blog. WHA????? you ask completely confused? After all, I've not been known to keep up with this blog as much as I should. But this one is hopefully not going to last long - mainly because it is one that I am using to help me do something that I should have done years ago. It's called Paleo Quarter and can be found at paleoquarter.blogspot.com. It may or may not be worth following. It's mostly for me to work through some accountability issues and to be honest with myself about who I really am.

I hate these kinds of blogposts... lots of talking about your kids when people really don't want to hear all of it.  But right now, my kids are on my mind. So this is one post that you'll have to forgive me for. I'll get more spiritual and "thoughtful" next time.

The month of Drew....

My precious first-born leaves June 1st to begin his career in the Air Force.

I have been so excited about this time in his life. Excited for him, there is so much adventure that awaits him. Excited for me because I think we've done all that is humanly possible to prepare him to live a Christlike life outside our home and, well, I'm ready to watch how our family dynamics change when he's gone. I hope it's less "out of site, out of mind" and much more "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

I can't help but reminisce about his "firsts" and remember how curious I was about his future.

            His future is now....


and I can hardly believe it's true.

And so, May is the "month of Drew". This month Drew will get anything he asks for. ANYTHING!

Why can I so emphatically say that? Because he won't ask for anything that is too hard, too extreme, too expensive, or puts anyone out... That's just the kind of guy he is.

I'm gonna miss that kid...that MAN.

I love him more than he'll ever know...

well, that's not true.
He'll know,
He'll know the moment he holds his first born in his arms.
Then the knowledge will rush over him in such a way that he won't be able to contain it.

And he will call me, as he always does, just to say... "Mommy, I love you." And yes, he still calls me Mommy .

Only no one really knows that so let's just keep it between us, OK?

I'd stand in front of a train...

That's what a good friend told me when we were talking 22 years ago. She  had a toddler and was pregnant with her second. She said to me "Karen, I'd stand in front of a train for her". I couldn't relate, really. I had been trying to get pregnant to no avail, and needed someone to talk to. But, I didn't have that kind of love for anyone, not yet. I didn't even feel like that about MJF - after all, if anyone was standing in front of a train it was gonna be HIM for me... he's the man.

Sam is almost 18
He graduates May 2011

Drew is almost 21
He leaves for the Air Force
June 1, 2011

Today, well, I SO know what she meant. I've been given 5 opportunities to learn about what kind of love that is - between parent and child. (Rebekah Joy is living joyfully with her heavenly Father)

Josh is 13
He's the perfect mix
of Drew and Sam

 This is Kate, she's 9
she gets a big picture because
she's my baby and it's my blog

I would stand in front of a train for each and every one of these delightful creatures. And yet, they NEVER think about that. They probably realize, in the depths of their being, that I'd do anything for them; really, anything. But when they tell me they love me it's 

because...........  

Because I have done something that makes them feel...

happy

      blessed

             special

                    better

                           or because they just got what they wanted.

It's NEVER because I will stand in front of a train for them.

But it's ok, I'm the mom, it's my job to enable them to feel totally secure in my love even if they don't really KNOW why they are totally secure in my love. 

But on those days when we are joking or cuddling or just being affectionate and I hear this "I love you more" from one of them, I stop, hold their sweet face in my hands and say "No you don't, only when you hold your precious 1st born in your arms will you REALLY know how much I love you and how little in comparison you love me."

To be honest, they look at me with that little puppy-faced cocked head as if they haven't the slightest idea what I am saying or why I'd say such a thing. But they smile and assure me that I have no idea what I am talking about and insist they love me more.

Christ crucified.... for ME

I love you... more?  

Not even close. Standing in front of a train for me would have been more palatable. It would have been EASY.  NO, not only do I not know how to love Him MORE, I can't even begin to love Him equally. 

...My God, my God,
why have you forsaken me?

THIS IS WHY I LOVE HIM... 

yet that is not what I tell Him. I tell him I love Him because He makes me feel:

happy

   accepted

            special

                   rescued

                         safe

                            

           But it's only this week that I REMEMBER 

that's gotta change. 

Remember who was willing to stand in front of a train for you but instead was crucified - slaughtered - for you. And yet, that wasn't what He most dreaded - it was the wrath and separation from God that He most wanted to avoid and yet He said "Not my will, but yours, be done."

May your Easter be a happy one knowing He gave everything for you and yet the grave didn't hold him. 

HE IS RISEN, HE IS NOT HERE, JUST AS HE SAID!

REJOICE.....

That darn video...

So, last night was our fabulous Easter Music special at church. I love what we do for Easter and Christmas because it's more of an extended Praise and Worship time with a bit more glitz than it is a performance we are just siting and watching. But...

               They insist upon playing, every year, THAT VIDEO....

                              

It's always a little bit different but it's always enough to make me fall apart weeping.

                                                    As it should.


We don't remember this enough, we should, but I know why, it's an horrendous thing to watch.

For any mother of sons, to see Mary's face as she watches what is done to her son. It's almost more than I can bear....


But then, at that very moment, as I thought about Who did this and who didn't. Who deserved this and Who didn't. Who HE did this for and then... It dawned on me, there is another video....

PLEASE don't misunderstand. I will never hold the sacrifice of a human man equal to the sacrifice of the God-man, my Lord and Savior, but in a way, it was almost uncanny for me as I sat behind.... well, mostly stood behind... my oldest son praising the name of our Lord, hands held high rejoicing in the knowledge that Christ died for him.

Drew may die for someone too.  Drew leaves on June 1st for basic training with the Air Force and to learn what it takes to defend his country. More than that, how to defend the freedom and liberty God so graciously bestowed upon us and to fight to the death, if necessary, to enable others around the world to enjoy it too.

He may die for people who don't even know him. That they would rejoice as they cast a vote for THEIR candidate, not the one that is forced upon them and who would force them to live a lifestyle that is the antithesis of why God created them.

He may die for former class mates and neighbors - those who loved him AND those who thought he wasn't cool enough to hang with them... it doesn't matter... because everyone deserves to be free and to retain the freedoms that they enjoy.

Our freedom in Christ is so much superior to our freedom in this country. And yet, I couldn't help but see right in front of me, literally, the closest thing to following in Christ's footsteps that I've seen in a long time.

^43-47"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.


Matthew relates this truth clearly: friend or foe, lover or hater, regardless of their relationship to us, we are to love them, share Christ's love with them. Do what is best for them. Not consider ourselves when we are with them.

Christ did only what His Father wanted Him to do. He gave it little thought, He just did it. Drew will be trained to do what he needs to do regardless of his circumstances. There won't be time to think about the personal implications of what he's trained to do - he will be trained to give his life if necessary for the greater good.

                               And I? What do I give? What do you give?

That is a question each of us have to answer in relation to the "basic training" that we've received from Our Father. It's a worthy question to ponder this week. Ponder it, see what He says to you.

The Ultimate Promise Keeper...

Joshua 19:32 - 21:45

So, for the second year in a row, our church family is reading through the Chronological Bible. I think it is wise, for many reasons, that we didn't just move on to something else but that our pastor knew full well that a large number of us didn't keep up. To be honest, I didn't. I was thrilled when I realized I had a second chance to join my church family in unified reading of His Word.

pondering... pondering...

But it's passages like the ones we read today that make people shut the book before they finish and not open it up again. Of course, I can't blame God for that. I can't blame God for anything negative, really, not like we use the word blame. It's important for me to remember that the Old Testament was passed down in story form and so much of the writing was done not  as we are taught to write but copied from the way it was told. they were under strict orders to include specific details. It's redundant, face it, especially when reading the the Bible in chronological order.

 When the passage is really tedious you tend to get several really tedious passages all at the same time. And when the passage insists upon listing EVERY tribe and how EVERY tribe got the SAME thing over and over and over, one tends to reflect upon how the scribes could have condensed what they said and gotten the same information across to the reader.  Until I read this:

43 Thus the Lord gave to Israel all the land that he swore to give to their fathers. And they took possession of it, and they settled there. 44 And the Lord gave them rest on every side just as he had sworn to their fathers. Not one of all their enemies had withstood them, for the Lord had given all their enemies into their hands. 45 Not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass. (Joshua 21:43-45)

I was so glad to read this. It sort of shocked me back into reality. It was a reminder that the listing of what God had given to each tribe was a receipt from a promise made to them long ago. 

Can you just see an Israelite Papa sitting with his children listing tribe after tribe after tribe and repeating over and over each specific piece of land that was given to them? It was a reminder, as we so often fail to do, of God's specific promises and that He will make good on each and every promise that He makes. He is not one to just throw out words to pacify His followers and then half-heartedly try to appease them with something less than what He promised them. NO, he makes specific promises, often hard to believe promises, and delivers on exactly what He said.  

I am thankful for new eyes... new insights. I am more than thankful for the Holy Spirit speaking to me when I wrestle with knowing that He wants me to know His Word but I can't seem to figure out why some things should matter so much to me, now, today, in 2011 America.

This whole experience reminds me of myself when I try to explain to Kate (9 on 4/1) an answer to her question that goes spiritually far beyond what she is wanting to know. As she tries to interrupt and move me on to another subject I get frustrated because I KNOW there is so much more to say, so many more specific details that if she knew them would make her say "Wow, what a mighty God we serve." and yet, she's not there, not now. The details don't bring her any insights just yet. They just make her roll her eyes. But they will, eventually, amaze her, when she is mature enough to "get it". 

I wish it didn't take 48 years for me to be mature enough to "get this". But I suppose it's better late than never. I will take much more joy and delight in the details that before used to bore me. Just the image of that daddy... and the enthusiasm that he must have had imparting the wisdom and knowledge to his children about what a great God they serve. 

Thank you Lord for being the Ultimate Promise Keeper. 

I am such a loser...

My friend Karen Haughton will HATE that I titled my blogpost what I did. She is one of the most encouraging people I know and I don't know many. But really, at some point we have to come to the realization that there is something that we are struggling with, we know it, we hate it, we want it eradicated, but we are not willing to do what needs to be done to handle it.

These win the prize if only for the name
of the collection.

I blame the Holy Spirit. I do. I can't lie. (well, I could but what good would it do - God already knows so what's the use of being someone I'm not to you?) I keep going to the "fruit of the spirit" verse in Galatians and say "Lord, I know I am supposed to have self control, but where is it? In some areas, I have it. For instance, I don't have an insatiable desire to go to my next door neighbor's house and steal their granite counter top even though I want it. A LOT. I don't peruse Sephora in order to find the absolutely bestest nail color ever, only to skip the check out counter and toss my discovery in my purse.

I don't think I've stolen anything in my life - maybe a flower from someone's garden when I was 5. After all, my mom deserved that flower and I had no idea what kind of work went into planting it. Of course, being the excellent mom she was and still is, I had to go and apologize.

But honestly, what are the three things I hate most? I am fat, (no, really I am - when you have to lose 40 lbs., you are fat), I hate how constantly cluttered my house is, and I hate that I still love sleep more than I love God - in short my quiet times are not nearly as consistent as my nap times... (you can't be a tabernacle mover with a life like this.)

I can't really blame all the clutter on Kate
but I sure can blame most of it on her.

The funny thing is - all of these can be remedied and it wouldn't be hard it would just be time consuming, demand that I be perseverent, and be sacrificial. Apparently I am not good at any of them because I haven't succeeded in conquering any of them the last 3 years I've had these issues. Actually, I think these issues have been mine from the beginning of time, only now do I realize how very ever-present they are.

So, if I hate them so much, why are they still such a thorn in my side?

 Of course, there is a gasp quotient here. After all, how could I compare what horrible afflictions Paul endured with my own silly little issues. But I would say to you - have you considered that the "thorn" and "Messenger from Satan" that Paul refers to in 2 Cor 12:7-10, is not physical at all? I would suggest to you that it's actually  unbelievers who constantly berated him at every turn. Look at this, you may be shocked to discover that possibly we've been wrong for years about the struggle that Paul was having. So possibly it was a human component that he was begging God to relieve him from and God, as He often does, insisted that His grace was sufficient. And, it is. But again... How do we attain that sufficient grace to sustain us in the midst of what bugs us the most?

Whatever his problem, Paul was being distracted. For him, lesser things pulled at him, made life difficult. For me though, they aren't lesser things in my eyes that pull me away. Things like an extra hour of sleep, a good TV show that I've been waiting all week for, a child that wants me or needs me, a chair that my feet desperately want me to sit in. All those things, although many not great in the eyes of God, are just fine in my eyes. How do you say no to a decadent dessert a friend has just pulled out of the oven. Or that bowl of snacks just sitting there while you are conversing with a friend? And then there's that 1/2 gallon of ice cream that sits patiently in the freezer while the whole house sleeps except you - you are wide awake watching a late night repeat of CSI NY. So a spoon and the 1/2 gallon and, well... isn't that what heaven is like?( That's in the same book as the one that has shopping as a spiritual gift.)

All that to say, why is it that in some things I can clearly see the Holy Spirit working. Sometimes it's "blow your socks off" amazing and other times it's simple and pure and to anyone else it's meaningless and that makes it even more "blow your socks off" amazing.

But why, in the areas that most bug me, can't I utilize the Holy Spirit's power. Every pastor I've even sat under insists we are to be able to call on the Holy Spirit's power because He lives in us. But I can't seem to sense His presence when I feel like I need him with my biggest struggles . And then, something dawned on me...

a big bunch of bananas

A friend was telling me about this book she read that told a story of a young girl held prisoner as a spy during WWII. Read just part of her story here. At one point, she saw through a hole in her cell someone receive a banana and asked God for just one. She awoke the next morning to find 92 bananas sitting in the corner of her room. I was amazed at that story and it reminded me of how small we think our God is sometimes. But suddenly I thought of her, of her condition, of her sorrow and struggle. Then I turned and looked at the front of my house, filled with 4 healthy children and a husband with a job - a good job. A bed to sleep in every day and a pillow to lay my head on. A shower AND bathtub to wash in and running water that was CLEAN. And I said to her - maybe, as much as we COULD pray for 92 bananas, we don't DESERVE 92 bananas. 

So it makes me wonder. Although I COULD scream and cry and beg for the Holy Spirit to show up and totally remake me into a type A personality so that I'd organize my life to lose weight, keep up with the clutter, and have my regular quiet time. Maybe I don't DESERVE to have Him come and do that.

And I collapsed in tears realizing what I had done...

Numbers 14: 13-23

And this is love,

Not that we loved God,

but that He loved us

and sent His son to be the

PROPITIATION

for our sins.

1 john 4:10

May your weekend be filled with the Joy of knowing that even though our sin should have kept us from the abundance;

 His sacrifice on our behalf brought us to the

 Promised Land.