The Biggest Disappointment of All...

I was raised on disappointment. Well at least that is how my father viewed me. I was always one big disappointment. He said it to me so often that I can remember the houses and rooms and furniture I was sitting on for many of the times he uttered those words. I cannot remember what I did (most of the times) to make him share that with me but I remember hearing those words from his heart to mine more often then any other words growing up. I swore I would never utter those words to my children and, for the most part, I haven't. It's not that I've not felt those feelings on occasion in regards to my family but to actually say those words, I am not sure I would have the strength. The memories I want my kids to have of life in our family are not ones that include them remembering the times I ever told them they disappointed me.

This year has been a year full of disappointments for me. I cannot remember a year when I have been so heartbroken so many times. A few by genetic family members, most by Christian brothers and sisters. With a history of being told how disappointing I was over and over again, that word is not one I use often and like the word crisis, means more than just being bummed or put out or just simply not getting my way. No, that word to me affects my gut, makes my heart feel like it's being wrung out like a wet rag and makes me wish I could not only throw up my stomach contents but my whole stomach as well. The myriad of disappointments I have felt and experienced this year have left me tear-less, there's just nothing left.

The biggest disappointment of all was/is so because I was so convinced that it wasn't going to be one I'd experience at all.

MJF and I have been excited to see how God's heart for orphans has been poured out upon many young families in our church. There are at least 3 families that I know of at our church and several other friends around the country who have sacrificed money, comfort, time, energy, and who knows what else to pursue adopting orphans from countries such as China and South Korea. All have by now either picked up, gotten travel dates or are patiently awaiting their referrals and  are prepared to leave at a moments notice to fly wherever is necessary to meet the child God has chosen for them. It's an exciting time as young American couples are seeing what God has known for a long time - that He is tender toward orphans and holds them close to His heart and that we who have so much should as well.

Unknown to most MJF and I have been on the adoption trail for quite a while. Longer than most of our adopting friends have been. To me, this is a no-brainer because I know how God wants His people to care for those without fathers and mothers. A no-brainer because I know how many orphans really exist in this world and it's shameful. A no-brainer because not one of my children would fail to delight in bringing a precious 6 or 7 year old little sister into our home and love her and introduce her to her Heavenly Father and raise her to know the joy of a forever family. A no-brainer because I know my God and I know that He can do anything and in spite of the sinful expense of adoption, He can overcome something so trivial.

What I was not prepared for was for Him to choose not to overcome something I thought was so trivial to Him but such a mountain to climb for us. See, we don't have a huge savings account, we have 4 children, 2 of whom have been going to college - for cash. We don't have any friends or family members that we felt had such a heart for adoption that we could prayerfully consider asking for large or small donations toward the cost of adopting. MJF doesn't work for a company or organization that reimburses part or whole amounts paid for the process. And after years of paying down debt, we didn't feel like God was leading us to take out a 25 thousand dollar loan to adopt a little sister for Kate (although I would have).

What I did have was jewelry, diamonds to be precise. For our 25th anniversary MJF paid, in cash,  thousands of dollars for a ring and necklace custom made for me. Those were meaningless compared to what we believed the life of a precious orphan from almost anywhere in the world would be worth. In the depths of my being I knew that those plus a few other pieces of gold and a couple other gems would cover at least 3/4's of the cost. The rest we could raise or earn through other means, we were certain of it.

What I wasn't prepared for was the lack of interest in our "plight". We had hoped that one of the store owners that we offered our jewelry to would consider selling it for us and would not take any profit for themselves. That wasn't to be. What they offered, and we had several prospects, was a fraction of their worth in order that when sold they would make quite a penny. What I was sure would happen failed to materialize. I was sure God would coordinate all the people and all the events and all the circumstances necessary in order that we would be able to dive head first into our adoption adventure and not be concerned with how we would afford to do it.

What really took me by surprise was how hard it was going to be to help Kate understand what God was doing. The challenge has been insurmountable because I can hardly understand it myself. For almost a year now I have been dragged kicking and screaming into conversations about how much she wants a little sister. What a great big sister she would be and the tears would flow in buckets as she would try to catch her breath to ask "but why?" Over and over again offering every last Christmas and Birthday penny she would ever get in her whole life just to be able to afford to adopt a little sister. And I would try over and over again to explain once more why I can't explain it, why I am just as sad as she is, why I don't understand God's decision but that I know it's the best because He never makes mistakes. Again and again two or three times a month I feel the life sucked out of me in these conversations not because I don't want to have them with her as much as I am struck with fear at the thought that somehow I cannot adequately explain to her God's desire to withhold from her something so obviously... well... something so obviously Godly.

So, again tonight, I had to maintain my composure just long enough for her to dry her eyes and me to escape into the chill of the night with the excuse of walking the dog. There, in the pitch black, I sobbed from the depths of my being to God, asking Him why... a question I rarely ask... and being reminded that this year, 2011, has been full of one disappointment after another.

Typically, when I find myself face to face with God on those walks, all alone, I finish my walk with some spiritual nugget that enables me to push forward and see the value of the trial or the struggle or the confusion. Tonight, however, I have no spiritual nugget. I only have the simple cement slab of faith and trust that started my journey with Him almost 30 years ago. It's enough for me in spite of my pain and sadness and confusion to cover the disappointments this year has brought. I pray that I can hand down that same faith and trust to my daughter so that she too will, one day, be able to get past what to her, so far, has been the biggest disappointment in her life as well.

I'm getting old...

I think I am beginning to turn into an old lady. I feel I have been forced to change the look of a blog that although I have ignored it, I liked it and I have had good intentions toward it. I really have wanted to write, really I have. I have just, lately been afraid to.

To get back to the old lady bit... you know you are getting old when you start to really hate change. Could it be that you begin to realize that there is a difference between change for change's sake or change that really matters?

This has been a big time of change for me. I have watched this happen:

Josh at 3

My #3 son grew up.

Josh at 13

 I knew he would eventually do it. They all do. I had just hoped he'd love me enough to want to change the course of history and stay my sweet young boy forever. But, alas, twas not to be and here he is, my last precious son moving at lightening speed toward manhood and there's nothing I can do about it. EXCEPT.... enjoy it.

I'm currently enjoying #1 son's stopover between Air Force tech school and his permanent duty station at Beale AFB outside of Sacramento, CA. Yes, I will have to hug him goodbye, most likely before this weekend for what could be 6 mos to a year. I am looking forward to that and dreading it all at the same time. Is that possible?

#2 son went from being a bagger at Kroger to becoming a Pharmacy Tech. That has changed everything about him. I'm enjoying that, too. It doesn't mean he knows what he wants to do with his life but it does mean he's becoming slightly more serious about life in general.

Raising men is hard. It weighs on me daily. Some days more heavily than others but never-the-less, the weight is there. I used to think that the weight would eventually go away. I actually do things to try to throw it off but if I have to be honest, and here, on this blog,  I want to be even if I hold back at other times, I don't think the weight will fully leave my shoulders. Sending them off to the Air Force or College or even off with a friend out of state for 10 days doesn't change who I am to them or who they are to me. Just because I can't see them doesn't mean the impact of who I am to them is any less. It may be different but I am not sure it's lessened.

I'm not sure I'm happy about that. 


I'm tired, boys, I'm getting old. How about we make a deal? I'll work hard to happily adjust to all these changes if you decide to change for a purpose, a vision, a goal. Don't change or create a change just out of boredom or "adventure" give me a reason and I promise I'll rejoice in it with ya'...

And so it begins.... again....

Airman Drew Michael Farhart
It's official

So, my last post was saying goodbye to Son #1 as he left for Air Force Basic Training and since then we have watched him graduate and look like a man we never thought existed. He's now in Wichita Falls, TX beginning his training to be a Crew Chief for an A10 - Thunderbolt. A very cool, very important plane. He will go from Sheppard AFB to a base in AZ in a couple of months. From there we think he'll come home for a couple of weeks and then head to his official base of choice which if it truly is his choice will be Osan AFB in S. Korea... hmmmm. I hope he gets to go there and to a ton of excellent places all over the world. I hope he can meet a phenomenal girl who wants to spend her life with him as his Helpmate and travel with joy. UNTIL, of course, they have my grandchildren.
No, really, I won't be like that but it'd be cool if it was that easy... really.

A- 10 Thunderbolt
AKA The Warthog

But now, school has begun and we must accept our summer  fun as merely memories and get to work, hard work, because that is what this time of year calls for... drat!

I do have to admit that I like the scheduled aspect of our lives when the pseudo fall rolls around. Most of the US can totally relate to why I call it the "psudo fall" after all... 95 degrees on August 12th really? Even in MS that is just crazy!

So, I will try  (as I promised so sincerely before) to keep up with this blog. It's good for me and every now and then I say something that you can relate to and admit it, you breathe a sign of relief knowing there is at least one other person out there that feels, does, forgets, etc the same thing that you do. 

Thanks for hanging in there with me for so long. 

More to come...

Promise....

Off we go....

.... into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;

Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,

At 'em boys, Give 'er the gun! (Give 'er the gun!)*

Down we dive, spouting our flame from under,

Off with one helluva roar!**

We live in fame or go down in flame. Hey!***

Nothing'll stop the U.S. Air Force!

So what have I been saying? 


        " I'm excited to see him go; he's on the adventure of a lifetime."
        " It's time, God predestined such a time as this; it's a good thing."
       " He's ready to move on and start his life; we are so excited for him."


Yes, I have said all those things and I believe all those things so, why can't I stop this one little stream of tears from constantly needing to be wiped from my cheek? 

Minds of men fashioned a crate of thunder,

Off we go into the wild sky yonder,
Keep the wings level and true;
If you'd live to be a grey-haired wonder
Keep the nose out of the blue! (Out of the blue, boy!)
Flying men, guarding the nation's border,
We'll be there, followed by more!
In echelon we carry on. Hey!
Nothing will stop the U.S. Air Force!

He's been to the recruiter today to make sure he's got everything he needs and leaves behind stuff he doesn't. He's got advice from those in "the know" about what to expect and to avoid.  He' having lunch with Craig Brown, his youth/college pastor. Craig prayed an amazing prayer for him at the end of service Sunday while what seemed like throngs of people came forward to lay hands on Drew and all of us as a family. Praying for his safety, of course, but mostly for his opportunity to stand firm for Christ and his opportunity to bear witness to the One True God.

Sent it high into the blue;

Hands of men blasted the world asunder;

How they lived God only knew! (God only knew then!)

Souls of men dreaming of skies to conquer

Gave us wings, ever to soar!

With scouts before and bombers galore. Hey!

Nothing'll stop the U.S. Air Force! 

So almost 21 years ago we started with just a tiny family of three not knowing what all God had planned for us. And now, here we are, a family of 6 (or 7 if you count our precious Rebekah Joy happily rejoicing in heaven with her Savior). One by one adding another little pink toothless face to our quiver, praising God for each blessing.  Now here it begins, one by one, hugging, no clutching each one as they smile their manly smiles, flex their manly muscles and pull away to begin their lives, their adventures, away from the place and the people they called home for all their lives. It makes the mama in me almost want to vomit. It makes the obedient servant of the Lord in me rejoice in the knowledge that we did all we knew to do to raise our children to love Him, obey Him, live lives for Him

In less than 24 hours I will hug good bye the only #1 son I've ever known. In 9 weeks I will have a chance to hug him again but this time he won't be the same kid I hugged good bye. He will be a man.

Congratulations Drew
We are so proud of you!
We love you

The month of Drew draws to a close, and a few more surprises.

Drew at his last big formal event before leaving home

So, here it is June 1st and Drew is still here. It's because he was never going to leave on June 1st, he was always going to leave June 7th we just somehow got it all mixed up. I'm glad though, I have another week with my son and the Month of Drew becomes the Month of Drew plus 1.

It turned out to be just as I had thought - not a lot of meeting his every need. He's not a needy kid. Well, in a month and nine days I can't even call him a kid anymore. He'll celebrate his 21st birthday doing sit ups and push ups and trying to get his 1 1/2 mile run time down. But it's all good because it's time for him to step up and step out. That's what we spent the last 20 years doing... raising him to leave.

May was a pretty amazing month. It started with organizing what was needed to officially graduate #2 son, Sam, from High School. It's a bummer, in a way, that he didn't have a stage to walk across, however, I can't imagine him even feeling comfortable in front of all those people. I think he'd choose taking college classes over walking a stage any day.

Congratulations Sam
Class of 2011

I know he's relieved. His brain has been tired, he's been tired. He's working about 20 hours while taking a full load of college courses. He's due a rest. He's taking a year off to work closer to full-time and save some money for his last two years of college. It's hard to believe that in another year my home will be reduced to two children.

Kate was another kid who had me going hot and heavy. She had a choir concert only days after her ballet performance. It was amazing to watch her dance again. This year, instead of a bunch of different classes coming out and doing a dance for people who are dying for some OTHER class to dance, one of the dance instructors wrote a ballet. It was based on "The Parable of the King" by Beth Moore. It was beautiful and it was an excellent opportunity for the Upper School kids to participate in something awesome for the Lord.

Kate's class were the animal creatures.
Cute duck...

All of this kept my mind and my heart busy. Keeping me from reflecting on what this house will be like with one less person. And not just one less person but my friend. Drew is the one that would talk with me for hours. He loved to talk politics, economics, eschatology, theology, you name it, he would discuss it with joy. He and I love to listen to Rush Limbaugh together and while I hated to listen to the extreme liberals go on and on and on, he'd love to listen to them and laugh and I realized how much of his own person he was becoming then. He's like me, in a lot of ways, poor kid. He's better though. He can have a conflicting conversation with anyone and then in the end, agree to disagree and move on to the next "event". I have never been good at conflict, I never will.

I'm excited for him. He has so much of life ahead of him, so much adventure he has no idea he's about to meet head-on. He's got a precious girl waiting out there to be his wife. He doesn't know her and she doesn't know him but God knows both of them and He has plans for them. He has places to go, people to meet. It's all one big adventure. And he will do it apart from me, apart from us. THAT is the one thing that I will have to get most used to. Day after day, I am a part of his life. It's not that I'm nosy or a nag or force myself into his business it's just that we have moved somewhat past the "mom and son" relationship to as close to friends as a mom and son can be. We talk about a lot and I know what's going on inside his head and within his life. In less than 7 days he will live day after day after day without me knowing anything about his days. I won't know about the good, the bad, or the ugly.

It's ok, that's the way it's supposed to be, that's the way God designed our families. I feel sorry for the parents who dread the day their children leave and begin their lives away from their childhood home.It'd be foolish of me to think that I won't spend some time wiping tears this summer. It's a big transition. But my heart isn't really sad. My heart is filled with excited anticipation at what the Lord has in store for my #1 son. Lord willing, the next picture I post of Drew will be in his Air Force uniform.

Oh, and I'm nursing a hurting husband just home from the hospital after hernia surgery. He's got until Sunday afternoon to feel good enough to board a plane because at 1:30 he's off to yet ANOTHER super secret location for two weeks. During that time I will be painting and painting and painting in order to move Sam into Kate's room and Kate into the room Sam and Drew shared. I am hoping that all that work helps the summer go quickly. I don't usually wish my summer away but I can say that I will be excited to drive to San Antonio and watch my son graduate from Basic Training. After that, I think I will be better able to rest in the place God has for me right now... at least for another year, when #2 son moves off to college, but that's another blog post.

And in the midst of all this, I choose to begin another blog. WHA????? you ask completely confused? After all, I've not been known to keep up with this blog as much as I should. But this one is hopefully not going to last long - mainly because it is one that I am using to help me do something that I should have done years ago. It's called Paleo Quarter and can be found at paleoquarter.blogspot.com. It may or may not be worth following. It's mostly for me to work through some accountability issues and to be honest with myself about who I really am.

I hate these kinds of blogposts... lots of talking about your kids when people really don't want to hear all of it.  But right now, my kids are on my mind. So this is one post that you'll have to forgive me for. I'll get more spiritual and "thoughtful" next time.

The month of Drew....

My precious first-born leaves June 1st to begin his career in the Air Force.

I have been so excited about this time in his life. Excited for him, there is so much adventure that awaits him. Excited for me because I think we've done all that is humanly possible to prepare him to live a Christlike life outside our home and, well, I'm ready to watch how our family dynamics change when he's gone. I hope it's less "out of site, out of mind" and much more "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

I can't help but reminisce about his "firsts" and remember how curious I was about his future.

            His future is now....


and I can hardly believe it's true.

And so, May is the "month of Drew". This month Drew will get anything he asks for. ANYTHING!

Why can I so emphatically say that? Because he won't ask for anything that is too hard, too extreme, too expensive, or puts anyone out... That's just the kind of guy he is.

I'm gonna miss that kid...that MAN.

I love him more than he'll ever know...

well, that's not true.
He'll know,
He'll know the moment he holds his first born in his arms.
Then the knowledge will rush over him in such a way that he won't be able to contain it.

And he will call me, as he always does, just to say... "Mommy, I love you." And yes, he still calls me Mommy .

Only no one really knows that so let's just keep it between us, OK?

I'd stand in front of a train...

That's what a good friend told me when we were talking 22 years ago. She  had a toddler and was pregnant with her second. She said to me "Karen, I'd stand in front of a train for her". I couldn't relate, really. I had been trying to get pregnant to no avail, and needed someone to talk to. But, I didn't have that kind of love for anyone, not yet. I didn't even feel like that about MJF - after all, if anyone was standing in front of a train it was gonna be HIM for me... he's the man.

Sam is almost 18
He graduates May 2011

Drew is almost 21
He leaves for the Air Force
June 1, 2011

Today, well, I SO know what she meant. I've been given 5 opportunities to learn about what kind of love that is - between parent and child. (Rebekah Joy is living joyfully with her heavenly Father)

Josh is 13
He's the perfect mix
of Drew and Sam

 This is Kate, she's 9
she gets a big picture because
she's my baby and it's my blog

I would stand in front of a train for each and every one of these delightful creatures. And yet, they NEVER think about that. They probably realize, in the depths of their being, that I'd do anything for them; really, anything. But when they tell me they love me it's 

because...........  

Because I have done something that makes them feel...

happy

      blessed

             special

                    better

                           or because they just got what they wanted.

It's NEVER because I will stand in front of a train for them.

But it's ok, I'm the mom, it's my job to enable them to feel totally secure in my love even if they don't really KNOW why they are totally secure in my love. 

But on those days when we are joking or cuddling or just being affectionate and I hear this "I love you more" from one of them, I stop, hold their sweet face in my hands and say "No you don't, only when you hold your precious 1st born in your arms will you REALLY know how much I love you and how little in comparison you love me."

To be honest, they look at me with that little puppy-faced cocked head as if they haven't the slightest idea what I am saying or why I'd say such a thing. But they smile and assure me that I have no idea what I am talking about and insist they love me more.

Christ crucified.... for ME

I love you... more?  

Not even close. Standing in front of a train for me would have been more palatable. It would have been EASY.  NO, not only do I not know how to love Him MORE, I can't even begin to love Him equally. 

...My God, my God,
why have you forsaken me?

THIS IS WHY I LOVE HIM... 

yet that is not what I tell Him. I tell him I love Him because He makes me feel:

happy

   accepted

            special

                   rescued

                         safe

                            

           But it's only this week that I REMEMBER 

that's gotta change. 

Remember who was willing to stand in front of a train for you but instead was crucified - slaughtered - for you. And yet, that wasn't what He most dreaded - it was the wrath and separation from God that He most wanted to avoid and yet He said "Not my will, but yours, be done."

May your Easter be a happy one knowing He gave everything for you and yet the grave didn't hold him. 

HE IS RISEN, HE IS NOT HERE, JUST AS HE SAID!

REJOICE.....