It's not as odd as it sounds...

Prayer happens everywhere, even in the tanning bed.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Psalm 68:3

Look it up. It's good for you. I'll wait.....

OK, so you are asking what word in that verse do I care enough about that I am willing to write a whole blog on? Actually, it's the word that varies depending on your translation and to be honest, varies depending on any particular day, time, or present company (or lack of company). It's the word Happy. I am trying to decide if I want to remove it from my vocabulary, at least where it describes me. I have already eliminated Fun but that's because I have as much use for that word in my life as I have for my appendix. Oh, yeah, I had that removed 8 years ago. I think Happy should join Fun and my appendix in the abyss of worthlessness.

I know, you are asking yourselves, "Is she PMSing or what?"... no, I'm not but all this probably began then. I can get too introspective... or maybe not too... maybe just right. I think we all should take a good look at ourselves honestly. We like to think about ourselves positively but we aren't always being honest. And I realized something about myself a couple of weeks ago... I am not Happy. Actually, I am the furthest thing from Happy.

At first I was really bummed. I hate thinking that about myself. I have a great life, great kids, great home, great friends, great memories... I have no right to even speak those words... I'm not happy. But the truth is what it is and I have to decide what, if anything I have to do about it.

I laid in bed a couple of nights thinking about the reality of not being Happy. And then, the question popped into my head... "Does Scripture even mention the word?" Off the top of my head, except for some versions using Happy instead of blessed, I didn't think so. I really didn't spend time looking thoroughly through the Word of God but I did do a quick scan and there are a few but mostly Happy is used instead of some other words and not correctly translated. Psalm 68:3 is about the only one that really uses that word and means it.

The deal is that Happy is really a temporary feeling based on immediate circumstances that can change in an instant. I've seen my own kids go from laughing to crying in a matter of 20 minutes.

So, is it something that I should even be pondering? Let me think about other emotions that Scripture speaks about... Love... there is a lot that I have for people and a lot of people that have it for me. Joy... yes, to be honest there is rarely a moment that I wouldn't use it to describe my inmost being. Peace... that passes understanding, baby! Content... I'd be sinning if I said I wasn't. So, who really needs Happy?

I think I least I feel like I do, just right now, just at this time in my life.

It may be a temporary emotion that can't be counted on to carry me through like the previously mentioned emotions can, but for some reason I can't break out of a funk that has been hovering over me like the dark, rainy cloud that hovers over Eeyore, Pooh's ever-depressed donkey friend. I do think I have been given a glimpse into what I need to do to get a handle on the way I am feeling. (frankly, I find it hard to believe I am devoting an entire post to "feelings" UGH)

I am 47 1/2, and yes, the 1/2 matters as much now as it did when I was 3. Only it makes me feel worse not better.I have aches and pains that scream "You are a pitiful old lady". I have 4 children of varying ages who are going in different directions and need me emotionally more than they ever have. I have begun this school year with my school-aged children at home so I am now their teacher. I have a husband who will be 50 in a couple of weeks and if he were to say he is not bothered by that he'd be lying. I have a home that is wonderful, beautiful, and incredibly cluttered with no light at the end of the tunnel. I have 20 lbs to lose by Christmas that will most likely go the way of all other previous attempts - my hips and thighs - they are very happy there. And to all this (and so much more) I have added a puppy. Here's the kicker... I HATE RESPONSIBILITY. I am very good at it but I hate it. And on Sunday one of my Pastor's told me that I had to give it all up to God.

There's only one problem, God gave it all to me... I don't think He's got a tithing plan for responsibility... I think He's expecting me to handle all of this, I just don't think I am handling it right. I feel sure I have been ENTRUSTED with all this responsibility not DUMPED UPON.

So, here's what I think the permanent solution to get back my temporary emotion is: change my vantage point. "A position that affords a broad overall view or perspective, as of a place or situation."

So, let's review from a different vantage point:

I am 47 1/2... most people are shocked when I tell them that, they think I am much younger.
I have aches and pains... but I know that I can change my eating habits to aid in eliminating that pain and if need be there's always medicine.
I have 4 children... who need me... I think taking out the negatives from the original sentence makes all the difference.
I am homeschooling... Praise God that I live in a country/state that allows me to do this. What a difference it will make in their lives.
I have a 50 yr old husband who is bummed... we've been married 27 years and he's still alive and kicking...
My wonderful home is a cluttered mess... I have a home, 'nuf said.
I have 20 lbs to lose... I have what I need to nourish my body and more,
I have added a puppy... truth be told, he's a wonderful animal who has added a lot of joy to our home and Kate needed him
I hate responsiblity... Obviously God thought it was just what I needed and that I'm perfectly capable of handling it.

Thanks, I needed that... I think I will put up a Post-it Note (b/c, after all, I am the Post-it Note queen) to remind myself to adjust my vantage point each morning before I confront the world. That should bring a little Happy back into this old woman's heart.