At 47...

I hate getting old. No, really, at 47... believe me, it is old. I just uploaded my wedding pictures to my Facebook page and I was reminded, as I scanned them and then auto adjusted them to get rid of the yellow tinge that had permeated them, just how young, thin, and pretty I really was. Of course I had no idea at the time just how wonderful it was to be young, thin, and pretty.

It all really hit me the other day when I realized that my bathroom mirror had been lying to me for years. I found myself staring into the decorative mirror that is in my kitchen only inches away as I cleaned it. Why I hadn't noticed before, I'm not sure but I looked... O.L.D. I couldn't take my eyes off just how bad I looked. And then I couldn't stop thinking about how sad that made me feel. I had to just face the facts and admit the truth. I was no longer the youngest one in the room as I used to be but now I am the oldest. Almost every time I find myself in conversation I am the oldest. I really think one day I am going to cry about that.

When I get up from sitting for more than 15 minutes my feet hurt and my knees scream to stop trying to straighten. After a night's sleep I barely stand up straight upon rising and if I do it's not without pain. I have age spots on my hands and cheeks and I'm afraid to admit that my ankles are getting thick. Could I really one day be the butt of jokes about "cankles"? Please Lord, let it not be so.

A recent Gall Bladder attack got my attention. For the girl who never even had heartburn I thought I was having a heart attack. It was on the way home after a two week trip to Ohio to see family when it happened and it's a pain I never want to experience again. The blessing behind it is that during that trip my sister-in-law Na introduced me to the Raw Food Lifestyle. She found that after two rounds of Chemo for Ovarian Cancer, 5 years apart, that how she took care of her body might have a lot to do with how her body took care of her. I learned a lot not knowing how much of it I would soon put into practice. God was gracious and allowed that attack to happen only after I was securely in the home of my good friend and her husband who are both medical professionals. But as I stared at the clock at 1:23 am, I promised myself that I would never eat the same way again.

It's odd what God uses to get our attention. It's also odd when we look back over days, weeks, even years to see how He's prepared us for that particular place we find ourselves in. So, at 47 I am looking at everything differently. I have learned from my body that if I want health from it I have to give it healthy things. I have learned from my sister-in-law that it's not hard to be healthy I just have to be committed. I have learned from my friend Karen H. that life is too short to dwell on the bummers but to take hold of the best of life and run with it. I have learned from the tragedy of a dear couple at church that every moment with our children must be treasured because we are not guaranteed tomorrow. I have learned that my mother was right when she said "ignorance is bliss" and "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it". And I learned from my own experiences this summer that it may be easier just to sit and be comfortable but it's not the most fun and inevitably I'd be missing something spectacular.

So, this year I am homeschooling my two youngest and delighting in the fact that my two oldest haven't flown the coop yet. I have forsaken my innumerable lunches with friends, my afternoon snoozes, my shopping trips, and my hours of doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. I have decided that I have to take care of me and part of that is taking care to enjoy my family and my life. It's been hard. I'm inherently lazy and selfish. There is a lot of work involved in this and I have committed myself to my kids in ways I haven't done in years. None of this is new to me but it's shocking how my "inner brat" is fighting me.

What I have to learn, at 47 is that it's time I appreciate what I have and who I am. It's not all about being young, thin, and pretty - although I still yearn for those days I will admit - it's about so much more. It's all good. It's all hard. It's all how it's supposed to be. I will muddle through and be the better for it. I won't regret a minute of it in the end and I'll be thankful for a heart that desires obedience to God more than trying to dismiss His call.

“DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

I knew it had been awhile since I posted but didn't realize the last time was the first of 2010. Wow. I hate that I'm such a procrastinator. I look for that trait in my kids and try hard to quash it. What I am realizing is that some traits are just there to stay. Born in, bred in, heck, I have no idea, they just aren't going anywhere. And me? I go to bed each night playing out how the next day is going to go and seeing the checkered flag waving at the end of the next day only to awaken so tired that attempting to fight off the impulses that would bring me down seems impossible. And almost before I begin my new day, I'm disappointed in my outlook. A month ago that would have led me back into my bed, or worse, to a half gallon of ice cream and a spoon. This month has been a different story. I am fighting it, with all I've got. I may be an inherent procrastinator and type-B personality but I know that I don't have to succumb to the negatives of those traits.

Last night, about 9, I decided to take a walk. My oldest son, Drew, almost 20, after working an 8 hour shift at Chick-fil-A on his feet chose to go with me. I felt guilty about it but he wasn't going to let me walk in the dark alone. Being that he is leaving for the Air Force in the next several months, I relish each moment with him so I didn't try to talk him out of it. Plus, as a man, he should have that reaction as a natural part of his being, I was glad it was an instant reaction on his part.

Drew and I have a special relationship. He is me with testosterone. Sometimes I feel horrible about that, he's got all that I hate about me. It's gonna be a long road to work through. But we also have conversations that could last hours and we both get tremendous joy from them. Last night it was all about his desire to know for sure that he had a place in heaven. What it really boiled down to was his understanding that he never did enough to please God. It wasn't really a works thing so much as it was a relationship thing. He knew his quiet time left a lot to be desired. He knew that throwing a prayer or two up before bed wasn't sufficient. He knew he wasn't always mindful of the presence of the Holy Spirit. Knowing all of that, was he worthy?

I had to admit it brought a smile to my face. I was delighted in my heart realizing that he had questions about his end of his relationship with Christ. I realized that those questions would only lead to increased holiness as he plowed through his daily time with God and worked at carving out more time to build the most important relationship he will ever have and the one that will sustain all others. I found myself pulling from memory a conversational technique one of our former pastors impressed me with; questions. So, I asked him questions. I asked him questions to help him clarify his faith for himself instead of relying on my words to reassure him.

In the end, the flaws of procrastination and a type-B personality reared their ugly heads. Just as I had been wrestling with those same issues in my life of daily housewife rituals, he allowed those negative traits to impact his relationship with Christ. Add to that the grace-heavy American perspective on sanctification and he had been cooking up complacency. Just as I had decided to fight what was keeping me from achieving a better and more effective day, he was going to have to choose to fight that which was keeping him from having a better and more abundant life in Christ.

For Drew (and maybe for all of us), holiness is the key. The deep-down need to grow the sprout of holiness that is pushing through the flaws, moving it aside to stretch out and grow closer to the Son. Water and sunlight and fertilizer aren't the answer here. It's study and prayer and deeper relationships with other believers. Throw in a mature Godly mentor and he's got the makings of a spiritual walk like he's never imagined.

It was a conversation given to us by the Holy Spirit. It was one I was chewing on for awhile. I have no fears for his safety once he leaves here and gives his all to fight for the freedom and liberty bestowed on us by our Creator. What I do ponder often are the decisions he makes when he has no one but himself and God to answer to. I pray this conversation helped him to consider his decision-making process before he leaves to make his way on his own. Maybe when decision time comes, it will be easy to know which fork in the road to take because he'd already studied the map.

Happy New Year Everyone...

Just a little note to say Happy New Year. It's been fun to read what some of my friends are planning for themselves this new year. I am excited for them. I am very poor at making resolutions, mostly, I think, because I am relatively unmotivated. MJF makes 3 or 4 at the beginning of any given year and within a week he has achieved his goal. It makes me want to slap him silly.

This year I just want to keep my family happy. Going back to school has presented a whole host of difficulties keeping my home in order and I will have to create an organized system like never before. I'm thankful for the Flylady (www.flylady.net) in that area. I also have to lose A LOT of weight. More than I have since having kids. I am counting on Bruce Ammons (www.lose17in17.com) and Atkins (www.atkins.com) and Couch to 5K (www.coolrunning.com) for help in that area. I'm also committed to cooking more at home which I hope will help the bank account. That is the hardest challenge for me since I am not a good cook and I am very bored with it. Of course the more I try to enjoy myself with the chore, the less my family enjoys what I serve. I have yet to find the help I need with organizing my meal plans although I've been given a couple suggestions from friends. I will probably end up with index cards and the grocery store fliers to help me in that area. Of course my studies will take the most work and I have included study time into each day's schedule. I am counting on my brain to keep me at the current 4.0 I am at. I am also counting on prayer to keep College Algebra from ruining that 4.0. Most importantly though is supporting our church family in the Bible reading and scripture memorization planned for 2010. Ironically, although it will be the easiest, most enjoyable, and most beneficial to the whole family, I know it will be the most challenging of all to keep as a daily part of our lives. Why is that?

There's a lot on my list but it actually fits. I add in a couple hours once a week to scrapbook and my weekly visit to Kate's school library to help shelve books and our Wednesdays and Sundays at my favorite place on earth - Colonial Heights Baptist Church - and I have a schedule that, should I enlist my Holy Spirit given fruit of self-discipline should provide all that I and my family need to end 2010 happy campers.

Today I feel excited and motivated - tomorrow I will feel something very different. And that, alas, is the problem - FEEL. I have always struggled with succumbing to my feelings more than following what I have known to be necessary. Setting goals and writing To-Do lists have always ended in bitter failure because I am not motivated by those things. Actually I am not sure what motivates me at all. So in spite of the list I gave previously, encapsulating all I must accomplish in 2010, the reality is, there is only ONE thing I need to accomplish. I need to end my insistence of allowing emotion to dictate the direction I go. I know how to set good goals and write good To-Do lists. I need to look at them and work them and stop thinking and start doing.

So, in 2010, I am going to find out how to tap the promise of Self-Control that I have been given as a child of God and use it. I will let you know how I manage. Pray for me. It could be a rough year!

"Please remember about a good Christmas."

My Christmas will be merry. I can't remember a time when it hasn't been. Even now, I can reflect upon different Christmas celebrations before and after my parents divorced and they are always merry thoughts. Well, happy thoughts. Kate wrote "Happy Christmas" on something she was making the other day and Josh told her she was wrong. "It's Merry Christmas, it's supposed to be MERRY!" Hmmmm. Nope, Happy Christmas is exactly what it is. And from her perspective THAT is what a good Christmas is.

Kate came home with a note she wrote in school. She was so proud to show me that it was supposed so be a note to Santa but she crossed out the "Dear Santa" and wrote in "Dear Mom and Dad" She was proud of that because we don't do Santa and she was threatened within an inch of her life to keep the truth about Santa to herself. We told her that was for each child's parents to decide when to tell their children. Now, in second grade, she has found other children in her class that don't believe in Santa. The fact that these other children are Muslim and Jewish seem to be lost on her and the kids that do believe in Santa don't seem to be phased that there are kids in her class that reject the celebration of Christmas altogether. I guess the truth is, if our kids want to believe in Santa, they will regardless of what other kids say or do.

The point I am taking a long time to get to is what she wrote in her letter.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I want more Wii games. Can I have a little dog? Can I have a nice Christmas?
I love you.
Can I have an American Girl Doll? Can I have a My Twin Doll?
Thank you for everything.
You are the best ever.
Please remember about a good Christmas.
Love, Kate

She handed this to me and as I read it I thought "well, she's not getting new Wii games but Josh is so she'll be able to play with them. And she knows better than to ask for a puppy! and yes, she is getting an American Girl doll but not the one she asked for but she'll realize why I got her the one I got her. And NO she already has a My Twinn Doll and for heavens sake does she think money grows on trees? And of course we are the best ever because it's almost Christmas and she knows she getting presents and she is happy with us." Then I said to her aloud. "Kate, what do you mean you want an nice Christmas? You also said later you want a good Christmas. Do you mean you won't have a good or nice Christmas without the toys you want?"

"Oh no mommy" she explained. "I mean a good Christmas, one where we are all happy and get along and no one is upset or disappointed and we all have fun together and you know..... "

And yes, I knew what she meant. She meant like last year when we all spent Christmas in Florida and we had no agenda, no one calling or coming over or close quarters. A Christmas where a 19 and 16 and 11 and 7 year old could all be in the same house together doing the same things TOGETHER and everyone was laughing all the time. That had to have been the best Christmas by far that we all had together.

How could I tell her that there was most likely not going to be that kind of perfect scenario this year. It's not that we don't have "happy" Christmases as a family it's just that there are 6 of us and we each have our own personalities and there's nothing new here. We have the same stressors and the same people to deal with and the same responsibilities. Being in Florida was like an escape to a special heavenly spot. I almost wish she didn't remember what it felt like to be us when we were there.

This year will be a bit different for us though. We have a 19 year old who is seeing an Air Force recruiter this week which means by Christmas he will have an idea of how many days he has left as a permanent resident in our home. I have a 16 year old college freshman who, as exciting as it is that he was able to get into college early, the reality is that he will be leaving home early too. I had a conversation with Kate about how in less than two years our home will instantly be a family of four. She is diametrically opposed to this fact. But, as I told her, it's the way it's supposed to be. She and Josh beg to differ with me on that point stating emphatically "We will live with you forever. We will never leave. I promise" Thankfully, I spoke those same words to my mother in 7th grade. I can remember saying them as clearly as I remember yesterday and I remember what house we lived in at the time and that I was on the screened-in porch when I said it. She told me "You will leave and it's ok because you are supposed to and I will be happy for you when you do" or something like that.

I had a better answer for them. "The Bible says you all are supposed to leave. That God created you to leave your mom and dad and fall in love and get married and concentrate on making your own wonderful family. And I am always happy when you do what God tells you to do." What is it about children that makes them think that if they leave their mommy will be lonely?

So, in reality this will most likely be the last Christmas we will be together in the same way we've been together for years and years and years. Maybe that is why I have been crying for a month. Me, the woman who hates crying more than almost anything and I can't stop. I can't have a conversation about anything without crying through it. I cannot understand it except to say that my heart understands the reality of my changing situation and although my head is thrilled about it all because it is the way life is supposed to be I am not sure my heart can hold back the implications of the way it's supposed to be. I had a dear friend once tell me that I was the best compartmentalizer she's ever known and she is absolutely right. But the truth is that I think my compartments are full and I have no where else to hide my emotions.

So, Kate, my sweet precious daughter. I will do everything I can to give you a good Christmas. Because from now on, our Christmases will never be the same.

MOM!!! You're Embarrassing Me....

I love Emma, no, you're right, my daughter's name is Kate, but Emma is her BFF. I really mean that, they are closer than almost any two girls I've ever seen in my life. To be honest, not only can I not imagine Kate without Emma, I can't imagine me without Emma. She makes me smile. Just seeing the back of her head brings a smile to my face. She is the tiniest little thing. She and Kate are only 30 minutes apart in age but Kate is a whole head taller. They have almost everything in common and it's amazing to me to watch them together.

The other night Kate went to Emma's for dinner. We went out and left the big boys in charge. I told Sam that Kate would be home shortly but by 8pm she was still not home. I called Emma's mom and she had totally forgotten Kate was there. That's the definition of Kate and Emma. They are so happy together that they make everyone else around them happy, whether it's because they play so quietly and happily together or because they are just so much fun to be with.

Today Emma came over for a couple hours. As is typical for them, they immediately found some clothes to change into so they looked like twins. Oh, if you saw them you'd laugh at the thought! Of course, they had another plan, they were writing a song. They ran outside to the trampoline and in about 20 minutes they came in with a song written on a piece of paper. They wanted me to read it and as I did, I noticed a real obvious chorus. I asked them how the song sounded and they didn't have any melody for it yet so I added one of my own. It was actually pretty good and Emma just laughed and laughed. Kate laughed too but through her laughs she giggled "Mom, stop, you are embarrassing me!" Normally, that would have stopped me in my tracks and really almost hurt my feelings but I could tell that whatever embarrassment she was feeling it wasn't severe - she had her bff with her and Emma felt perfectly at home here with us. They just continued to laugh and skip off to Kate's room. Within minutes they announced they were going to Emma's. Then they bopped out the door and down the street.

When Rebekah died and I found out I was pregnant with Josh, my mom was sad for me. Oh she knew my little baby boy would be beautiful and wonderful and fun but she insisted that there was nothing like a little girl. I found that hard to believe because all I knew were little boys and I adored my little boys. I was sad that I didn't have a daughter to raise but I couldn't imagine that they would be so different that she was actually sad I didn't have one in my life. Of course, God knew exactly what He wanted to do all along and having a daughter was part of His plan for me. Just months after Josh's 4th birthday Kate was born. And almost immediately I learned the differences between the genders. As my dear friend Cindy, the mother of 4 daughters, said to me "Girls will rock your world!". And she was right.

I can't imagine my life without her. She adds something to my life that I can't explain. One thing that excites me is how much we enjoy being together. She is becoming quite a pal to me. I miss her when she's gone and am excited to see her walk through the door on her way home from school. I love the person she is becoming and delight in the comments other mothers and her teachers at school and church say about her: she's sweet, kind, welcoming to all new students. She plays well and has compassion on those who she thinks are being left out. She's polite and respectful and they all love having her around. Notice they don't say that she's cute, popular, or oh, so talented... although she is cute and talented, popular is not an impressive thing to me. I am delighted in how others view her, she makes me so excited to see what God's got in store for her, she's got what it takes to follow Him to the ends of the earth. I hope that's what she wants to do.

Had we not been blessed with Kate, I wouldn't fully understand my mom's sadness for me. But now, I understand what she was feeling. My daughter is doing for me what her daughter did for her. Although I think having Christ in common takes my relationship with Kate much deeper, my mom and I love each other very much and we really enjoy being together. I hope Kate and I don't have the friction that my mom and I had when I was a preteen but a lot of the struggles she and I had are not part of the life that Kate and I share. I am thankful that Kate has the examples of her brothers to watch. Three much older boys who love their parents and are just as happy to hang out with us as they are with their buds. Of course they will choose their buds over us if that decision has to be made (a decision I think is just fine - we like their buds) but they don't feel a constant pull away from home. And they have rarely had lapses in judgement to the degree of disrespecting their parents. I pray that she sees what a wonderful family she is a part of and delights in us as she grows into adolescence as we will delight in her. God's got quite an adventure planned for her, I can't wait to see where He leads her.

It's just safer that way...

I'm so thankful it's November. Not for the obvious reasons, MJF's birthday, beautiful fall weather, Thanksgiving holiday... but because October was the month from Hell for me. I am usually, at the end of a hard time, thankful for what I have learned and encouraged by the person I had grown to become through persevering and allowing God to work in and through my experiences; this time, I learned absolutely nothing... some rules on how I interact with my kids were confirmed though and I guess that is a good thing.

One rule, that I learned the hard way was to understand that teenagers will rarely "diss" themselves. Therefore, whether they lie purposely or not, they will rarely share the truth about a bad situation they get themselves into. I'm not even talking about getting in trouble. But if they find themselves in a negative situation that they need their parents to help them out with, especially if their negative situation involves another adult, parents, I am telling you, you will not get the whole story. I have found teenagers, boys AND girls, to be over emotional, easily embarrassed, and lacking realistic perception of their situations.

If they are telling you about something that happened to them with an adult involved and you hear that this adult did "this", said "this", failed to say "this", embarrassed them like "this" chances are you are not getting the whole story. We allowed this to happen ONCE and assumed we were getting completely accurate information and by the time the circumstances were laid out on the table, MJF and I were crawling under it in embarrassment. I am just thankful that the relationship we were dealing with wasn't one of great importance or emotional connection. It is hard to look at your child and explain, in the midst of tears, that before you are going to rise up to their defense, that you want to hear what the calm adult has to say about the circumstances. Many times not only is the problem not as severe as they are making it out to be but more often than not, your precious child isn't giving you the whole story.

These are hard things to read, I know. They are even harder things to write. We all want to believe certain things about our kids but we also have to understand who they are, at least as teens. I have found that understanding my kids' true natures at particular ages has helped me to move them from being "self-focused" to "other focused". When I make it clear that I want the WHOLE story they realize that there were two or more people involved, then they have to look at what part they played in the interaction and not just what someone said or did to them.

I am not saying that I wouldn't stand in front of a speeding train for my kids. I would, in a heartbeat. I am also not saying I would never believe my child over an adult. What I am saying is that I have learned the hard way that "everything is not always as it seems" and I don't want to be quick to sacrifice or damage a relationship because I don't want to admit or realize the true nature of my child. I am still on my child's side - always - I just want him to learn that there are consequences to his behavior and he will have to accept what comes his way based on his words and deeds. I am very thankful that this learning experience took place in a "business-type" relationship. I have found, and am guilty of myself, that friends don't always want to tell you the truth about who your kids are. In this instance, we were given a pile-ful of information on our child, most of which was hard to hear but it explained quite a lot when all was said and done. It was at that point that we determined we needed to take a good look at all our kids. We needed to understand their strengths and weaknesses. We needed to take a look at our parenting and if we were being honest with ourselves about who our kids are and was our image of our children more than it should be. It's not easy to size up your kid but it has helped us, when any of them have been in trouble of any kind, to know for sure if we felt they were capable of doing what they were being accused of. Sometimes we've just responded with a big apology and knew immediately that, yes, they were most likely very guilty of what they were accused of and we knew what had to be done to fix the problem. At other times we were able to say, "No way did our kid do that" and in the end, the truth prevailed. To be honest, I have found very few parents willing or able to do this. I can tell you, it will be worth more than words can say, if you come to terms with the realities of who your kids are. You will never regret it.

Another rule that was confirmed for me in October was one I came to on my own. I had read enough over the years to develop this rule and it surprised me when I vocalized it to someone, only then realizing it was something that was part of how I parented my kids. Never allow your child to become your best friend. Yes, I know, I said Never - YIKES. Aren't we told that "never" and "always" are two words we should stay away from? Of course, so then, OK, to appease some of you - "almost never" - how's that? I guess when they are 60 and you are 80 it's OK. Notice, I didn't say "don't become your child's best friend". That my friend is a different story, maybe equally as problematic but I've not seen the damage from that that I have seen from the other. Why do I say this? Because, they can't handle it. Understand that for most teens and young adults, regardless of how they act toward you at any particular phase in their lives, they adore you! They love you to the point of wanting to defend you and protect you in a way similar to the way you want to do the same for them. By the time they are teens they feel they have the strength and intelligence to be able to do that for you so the "mode" kicks in. But they are still very immature. They rarely understand idiosyncrasies of words, phrases, and relationships and still view many of them literally.

Here's where things get complicated. Ladies, your need for a best friend comes from your need to just dump your thoughts, feelings, emotions, trials, tribulations, etc... If you choose your teenage or young adult child (boy or girl) to share those thoughts with you will find those thoughts repeated to another. Worse, you will find them repeating the thoughts you shared about someone TO that same someone. Here's the rub, most of the times, the thoughts you shared about another won't have been shared in the manner in which you meant then but in the manner in which the teen perceived them. Therefore, what you end up with is, in a negative situation, regardless of how it got there, your teen, in protection mode, throws out your dirty laundry and the comment you made about the adult she is speaking to. Hard to follow? yes, I know, it's hard for me to follow too and I wrote it. But the point I am trying to make is that our teens aren't mature enough to handle the mess that we need to occasionally unload and before you know it, you have found yourself in a situation that in irreparable.

I have to check, often, my conversations with my oldest boys. At 19 and 16 they are good buddies to me. I love taking them to lunch and talking about their thoughts and ideas. But I have learned to rarely share many of mine with them. Not only do I not want them burdened with my "junk" but I also don't want their perception of anyone to be skewed because I have an issue with someone that they may take out of context or even if it is in context, they don't need to have negative thoughts of. Once I plant a seed in their minds, I can't take it out. So I save my deep-seated thoughts and emotions for MJF or Pam or Cyndi. Not only can they separate my issues from their own and not take them upon themselves, but they also know how to perceive them. And I trust that they will not only be honest with me in our discussions but keep them to themselves.

So, for those of you who think that I have some gift at advising you on parenting (that is always questionable) I hope that you chew on these things right now, especially if you have yet to hit the teen years with your kids. Some of you are going to be aghast and will have a hard time imagining a relationship like "best friends" with your child going awry.. if you choose that route, I hope it goes well for you. But although my children will all tell you we are friends, and the two boys, I am sure will tell you we are great friends. There are a lot of things in my heart that they will never know. Even when they are much older. I think it's safer that way for everyone.

Revelation 21:4

I saw a girl in my Intro to Law class meltdown today. She didn't have her act together. She was missing classes, not ready for the test, and couldn't handle it when I mentioned a paper I thought was due today but not due until next week. I felt bad for her but I didn't know what to say. We all, in the class, have had some opportunity to melt down. Whether it's been on campus or at home, we are, some of us more than others, hanging on by the skin of our teeth. Most of us have our meltdowns because we are behind on our laundry, forgetting to fix dinner, not attending to our classwork because we have to attend to our children's classwork. Or just feeling like we can't put the right amount of time or attention into all the things we've heaped onto our plates. We as women, more so the older ones, like me, heap way too much on our plates. We have this intellectual knowledge that we can't do everything but our hearts have a big "S" for Superwoman branded onto them. And those were the very reasons that her tears were flowing. I didn't have it in me to say "Hey, hang in there, you can do it." Mostly because I didn't think I should. Maybe she shouldn't be doing it. Maybe what she imagined she was capable of right now isn't what she is capable of. Maybe she needs to wait a few years, until her children get older and more independent and then it will be the right time. It's not that I didn't think she could handle the coursework which would lead her to a good job, I just wondered if she should be attempting it at all right now. But then, maybe I was wrong and I should have put my arm around her and encouraged her. Maybe my own desperation to have one more look at my index cards to cram just one more bit of information into my head to be successful on my test that morning kept me from being the support she needed. Maybe my own selfishness blinded me to her hurt and I was able to find a good excuse to make me feel better.

And that brings me to something I've been wrestling with for a month now. Why do I choose to behave differently from one person to another? Why did I not see in her the need to hold her but maybe would have considered that for another? After a month of seriously pondering this and even losing sleep over this I still have no answer. I can only think that I see every situation differently. And even then, I still will rarely hold someone while they cry. I don't think I've held one of my crying children since they've been 9 or 10. It's not that we aren't affectionate, we are all very affectionate. I guess it's just, having boys, I've had to almost have it beaten into me that I have to be very careful about how I manage their emotions. Granted, I'm not the most compassionate woman in the world; that has been made plenty clear to me by many, many people. But I am not heartless or devoid of the ability to feel tenderness toward anyone.

So, I guess this will just be something that I wrestle with for the rest of my life. I have never turned away my crying children, I've never left a crying baby in a crib all night because I care more about my sleep than my child. I've never let my preschooler dry his own eyes after falling down on the sidewalk and skinning his knee. I have always held my daughter close when the girls in 1st grade made a "club" during recess and wouldn't include her. There's just something that happens when they get older. I guess it's almost a feeling that I have that I don't want them to cry. After all, I NEVER want to cry myself. I work very hard at not crying even in front of my closest friends and even in front of my husband. I was even very uncomfortable with MJF when he cried as he held our daughter Rebekah Joy after her death.

I guess the question is this... what is wrong with me?

It's not as if I haven't asked this question of myself before. Not regarding this particular issue, there are many.

I don't anticipate knowing what is wrong with me but I do know one thing. I am not a heartless, calloused person. I never have been and I never will be. I have a very private part of me that will most likely never be unearthed by anyone. I will die with thoughts and feelings and parts of me never being known by anyone but God. The lesson for me here is to remember that if I have those parts of me, most likely others do as well. For me to jump to a conclusion about anyone because of who they appear to be is folly. We are all so complicated, and we put so many expectations on ourselves and others.

I am truly looking forward to heaven where all is clean, honest, and pure. Where our relationships are joyous and our eyes are all on the same prize. I can't wait for heaven. I can't wait to restore broken relationships and be reunited with old friends in Christ. I am excited to realize that I won't do anything to hurt someone's feelings and that there's not a person in heaven who will disappoint me - EVER.

And in heaven, I don't have to be concerned with whether or not I think to comfort a sobbing acquaintance... no one will be just an acquaintance and no one will be sobbing.