I'm getting old...

I think I am beginning to turn into an old lady. I feel I have been forced to change the look of a blog that although I have ignored it, I liked it and I have had good intentions toward it. I really have wanted to write, really I have. I have just, lately been afraid to.

To get back to the old lady bit... you know you are getting old when you start to really hate change. Could it be that you begin to realize that there is a difference between change for change's sake or change that really matters?

This has been a big time of change for me. I have watched this happen:

Josh at 3

My #3 son grew up.

Josh at 13

 I knew he would eventually do it. They all do. I had just hoped he'd love me enough to want to change the course of history and stay my sweet young boy forever. But, alas, twas not to be and here he is, my last precious son moving at lightening speed toward manhood and there's nothing I can do about it. EXCEPT.... enjoy it.

I'm currently enjoying #1 son's stopover between Air Force tech school and his permanent duty station at Beale AFB outside of Sacramento, CA. Yes, I will have to hug him goodbye, most likely before this weekend for what could be 6 mos to a year. I am looking forward to that and dreading it all at the same time. Is that possible?

#2 son went from being a bagger at Kroger to becoming a Pharmacy Tech. That has changed everything about him. I'm enjoying that, too. It doesn't mean he knows what he wants to do with his life but it does mean he's becoming slightly more serious about life in general.

Raising men is hard. It weighs on me daily. Some days more heavily than others but never-the-less, the weight is there. I used to think that the weight would eventually go away. I actually do things to try to throw it off but if I have to be honest, and here, on this blog,  I want to be even if I hold back at other times, I don't think the weight will fully leave my shoulders. Sending them off to the Air Force or College or even off with a friend out of state for 10 days doesn't change who I am to them or who they are to me. Just because I can't see them doesn't mean the impact of who I am to them is any less. It may be different but I am not sure it's lessened.

I'm not sure I'm happy about that. 


I'm tired, boys, I'm getting old. How about we make a deal? I'll work hard to happily adjust to all these changes if you decide to change for a purpose, a vision, a goal. Don't change or create a change just out of boredom or "adventure" give me a reason and I promise I'll rejoice in it with ya'...