I'd stand in front of a train...

That's what a good friend told me when we were talking 22 years ago. She  had a toddler and was pregnant with her second. She said to me "Karen, I'd stand in front of a train for her". I couldn't relate, really. I had been trying to get pregnant to no avail, and needed someone to talk to. But, I didn't have that kind of love for anyone, not yet. I didn't even feel like that about MJF - after all, if anyone was standing in front of a train it was gonna be HIM for me... he's the man.

Sam is almost 18
He graduates May 2011

Drew is almost 21
He leaves for the Air Force
June 1, 2011

Today, well, I SO know what she meant. I've been given 5 opportunities to learn about what kind of love that is - between parent and child. (Rebekah Joy is living joyfully with her heavenly Father)

Josh is 13
He's the perfect mix
of Drew and Sam

 This is Kate, she's 9
she gets a big picture because
she's my baby and it's my blog

I would stand in front of a train for each and every one of these delightful creatures. And yet, they NEVER think about that. They probably realize, in the depths of their being, that I'd do anything for them; really, anything. But when they tell me they love me it's 

because...........  

Because I have done something that makes them feel...

happy

      blessed

             special

                    better

                           or because they just got what they wanted.

It's NEVER because I will stand in front of a train for them.

But it's ok, I'm the mom, it's my job to enable them to feel totally secure in my love even if they don't really KNOW why they are totally secure in my love. 

But on those days when we are joking or cuddling or just being affectionate and I hear this "I love you more" from one of them, I stop, hold their sweet face in my hands and say "No you don't, only when you hold your precious 1st born in your arms will you REALLY know how much I love you and how little in comparison you love me."

To be honest, they look at me with that little puppy-faced cocked head as if they haven't the slightest idea what I am saying or why I'd say such a thing. But they smile and assure me that I have no idea what I am talking about and insist they love me more.

Christ crucified.... for ME

I love you... more?  

Not even close. Standing in front of a train for me would have been more palatable. It would have been EASY.  NO, not only do I not know how to love Him MORE, I can't even begin to love Him equally. 

...My God, my God,
why have you forsaken me?

THIS IS WHY I LOVE HIM... 

yet that is not what I tell Him. I tell him I love Him because He makes me feel:

happy

   accepted

            special

                   rescued

                         safe

                            

           But it's only this week that I REMEMBER 

that's gotta change. 

Remember who was willing to stand in front of a train for you but instead was crucified - slaughtered - for you. And yet, that wasn't what He most dreaded - it was the wrath and separation from God that He most wanted to avoid and yet He said "Not my will, but yours, be done."

May your Easter be a happy one knowing He gave everything for you and yet the grave didn't hold him. 

HE IS RISEN, HE IS NOT HERE, JUST AS HE SAID!

REJOICE.....

That darn video...

So, last night was our fabulous Easter Music special at church. I love what we do for Easter and Christmas because it's more of an extended Praise and Worship time with a bit more glitz than it is a performance we are just siting and watching. But...

               They insist upon playing, every year, THAT VIDEO....

                              

It's always a little bit different but it's always enough to make me fall apart weeping.

                                                    As it should.


We don't remember this enough, we should, but I know why, it's an horrendous thing to watch.

For any mother of sons, to see Mary's face as she watches what is done to her son. It's almost more than I can bear....


But then, at that very moment, as I thought about Who did this and who didn't. Who deserved this and Who didn't. Who HE did this for and then... It dawned on me, there is another video....

PLEASE don't misunderstand. I will never hold the sacrifice of a human man equal to the sacrifice of the God-man, my Lord and Savior, but in a way, it was almost uncanny for me as I sat behind.... well, mostly stood behind... my oldest son praising the name of our Lord, hands held high rejoicing in the knowledge that Christ died for him.

Drew may die for someone too.  Drew leaves on June 1st for basic training with the Air Force and to learn what it takes to defend his country. More than that, how to defend the freedom and liberty God so graciously bestowed upon us and to fight to the death, if necessary, to enable others around the world to enjoy it too.

He may die for people who don't even know him. That they would rejoice as they cast a vote for THEIR candidate, not the one that is forced upon them and who would force them to live a lifestyle that is the antithesis of why God created them.

He may die for former class mates and neighbors - those who loved him AND those who thought he wasn't cool enough to hang with them... it doesn't matter... because everyone deserves to be free and to retain the freedoms that they enjoy.

Our freedom in Christ is so much superior to our freedom in this country. And yet, I couldn't help but see right in front of me, literally, the closest thing to following in Christ's footsteps that I've seen in a long time.

^43-47"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.


Matthew relates this truth clearly: friend or foe, lover or hater, regardless of their relationship to us, we are to love them, share Christ's love with them. Do what is best for them. Not consider ourselves when we are with them.

Christ did only what His Father wanted Him to do. He gave it little thought, He just did it. Drew will be trained to do what he needs to do regardless of his circumstances. There won't be time to think about the personal implications of what he's trained to do - he will be trained to give his life if necessary for the greater good.

                               And I? What do I give? What do you give?

That is a question each of us have to answer in relation to the "basic training" that we've received from Our Father. It's a worthy question to ponder this week. Ponder it, see what He says to you.

The Ultimate Promise Keeper...

Joshua 19:32 - 21:45

So, for the second year in a row, our church family is reading through the Chronological Bible. I think it is wise, for many reasons, that we didn't just move on to something else but that our pastor knew full well that a large number of us didn't keep up. To be honest, I didn't. I was thrilled when I realized I had a second chance to join my church family in unified reading of His Word.

pondering... pondering...

But it's passages like the ones we read today that make people shut the book before they finish and not open it up again. Of course, I can't blame God for that. I can't blame God for anything negative, really, not like we use the word blame. It's important for me to remember that the Old Testament was passed down in story form and so much of the writing was done not  as we are taught to write but copied from the way it was told. they were under strict orders to include specific details. It's redundant, face it, especially when reading the the Bible in chronological order.

 When the passage is really tedious you tend to get several really tedious passages all at the same time. And when the passage insists upon listing EVERY tribe and how EVERY tribe got the SAME thing over and over and over, one tends to reflect upon how the scribes could have condensed what they said and gotten the same information across to the reader.  Until I read this:

43 Thus the Lord gave to Israel all the land that he swore to give to their fathers. And they took possession of it, and they settled there. 44 And the Lord gave them rest on every side just as he had sworn to their fathers. Not one of all their enemies had withstood them, for the Lord had given all their enemies into their hands. 45 Not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass. (Joshua 21:43-45)

I was so glad to read this. It sort of shocked me back into reality. It was a reminder that the listing of what God had given to each tribe was a receipt from a promise made to them long ago. 

Can you just see an Israelite Papa sitting with his children listing tribe after tribe after tribe and repeating over and over each specific piece of land that was given to them? It was a reminder, as we so often fail to do, of God's specific promises and that He will make good on each and every promise that He makes. He is not one to just throw out words to pacify His followers and then half-heartedly try to appease them with something less than what He promised them. NO, he makes specific promises, often hard to believe promises, and delivers on exactly what He said.  

I am thankful for new eyes... new insights. I am more than thankful for the Holy Spirit speaking to me when I wrestle with knowing that He wants me to know His Word but I can't seem to figure out why some things should matter so much to me, now, today, in 2011 America.

This whole experience reminds me of myself when I try to explain to Kate (9 on 4/1) an answer to her question that goes spiritually far beyond what she is wanting to know. As she tries to interrupt and move me on to another subject I get frustrated because I KNOW there is so much more to say, so many more specific details that if she knew them would make her say "Wow, what a mighty God we serve." and yet, she's not there, not now. The details don't bring her any insights just yet. They just make her roll her eyes. But they will, eventually, amaze her, when she is mature enough to "get it". 

I wish it didn't take 48 years for me to be mature enough to "get this". But I suppose it's better late than never. I will take much more joy and delight in the details that before used to bore me. Just the image of that daddy... and the enthusiasm that he must have had imparting the wisdom and knowledge to his children about what a great God they serve. 

Thank you Lord for being the Ultimate Promise Keeper. 

I am such a loser...

My friend Karen Haughton will HATE that I titled my blogpost what I did. She is one of the most encouraging people I know and I don't know many. But really, at some point we have to come to the realization that there is something that we are struggling with, we know it, we hate it, we want it eradicated, but we are not willing to do what needs to be done to handle it.

These win the prize if only for the name
of the collection.

I blame the Holy Spirit. I do. I can't lie. (well, I could but what good would it do - God already knows so what's the use of being someone I'm not to you?) I keep going to the "fruit of the spirit" verse in Galatians and say "Lord, I know I am supposed to have self control, but where is it? In some areas, I have it. For instance, I don't have an insatiable desire to go to my next door neighbor's house and steal their granite counter top even though I want it. A LOT. I don't peruse Sephora in order to find the absolutely bestest nail color ever, only to skip the check out counter and toss my discovery in my purse.

I don't think I've stolen anything in my life - maybe a flower from someone's garden when I was 5. After all, my mom deserved that flower and I had no idea what kind of work went into planting it. Of course, being the excellent mom she was and still is, I had to go and apologize.

But honestly, what are the three things I hate most? I am fat, (no, really I am - when you have to lose 40 lbs., you are fat), I hate how constantly cluttered my house is, and I hate that I still love sleep more than I love God - in short my quiet times are not nearly as consistent as my nap times... (you can't be a tabernacle mover with a life like this.)

I can't really blame all the clutter on Kate
but I sure can blame most of it on her.

The funny thing is - all of these can be remedied and it wouldn't be hard it would just be time consuming, demand that I be perseverent, and be sacrificial. Apparently I am not good at any of them because I haven't succeeded in conquering any of them the last 3 years I've had these issues. Actually, I think these issues have been mine from the beginning of time, only now do I realize how very ever-present they are.

So, if I hate them so much, why are they still such a thorn in my side?

 Of course, there is a gasp quotient here. After all, how could I compare what horrible afflictions Paul endured with my own silly little issues. But I would say to you - have you considered that the "thorn" and "Messenger from Satan" that Paul refers to in 2 Cor 12:7-10, is not physical at all? I would suggest to you that it's actually  unbelievers who constantly berated him at every turn. Look at this, you may be shocked to discover that possibly we've been wrong for years about the struggle that Paul was having. So possibly it was a human component that he was begging God to relieve him from and God, as He often does, insisted that His grace was sufficient. And, it is. But again... How do we attain that sufficient grace to sustain us in the midst of what bugs us the most?

Whatever his problem, Paul was being distracted. For him, lesser things pulled at him, made life difficult. For me though, they aren't lesser things in my eyes that pull me away. Things like an extra hour of sleep, a good TV show that I've been waiting all week for, a child that wants me or needs me, a chair that my feet desperately want me to sit in. All those things, although many not great in the eyes of God, are just fine in my eyes. How do you say no to a decadent dessert a friend has just pulled out of the oven. Or that bowl of snacks just sitting there while you are conversing with a friend? And then there's that 1/2 gallon of ice cream that sits patiently in the freezer while the whole house sleeps except you - you are wide awake watching a late night repeat of CSI NY. So a spoon and the 1/2 gallon and, well... isn't that what heaven is like?( That's in the same book as the one that has shopping as a spiritual gift.)

All that to say, why is it that in some things I can clearly see the Holy Spirit working. Sometimes it's "blow your socks off" amazing and other times it's simple and pure and to anyone else it's meaningless and that makes it even more "blow your socks off" amazing.

But why, in the areas that most bug me, can't I utilize the Holy Spirit's power. Every pastor I've even sat under insists we are to be able to call on the Holy Spirit's power because He lives in us. But I can't seem to sense His presence when I feel like I need him with my biggest struggles . And then, something dawned on me...

a big bunch of bananas

A friend was telling me about this book she read that told a story of a young girl held prisoner as a spy during WWII. Read just part of her story here. At one point, she saw through a hole in her cell someone receive a banana and asked God for just one. She awoke the next morning to find 92 bananas sitting in the corner of her room. I was amazed at that story and it reminded me of how small we think our God is sometimes. But suddenly I thought of her, of her condition, of her sorrow and struggle. Then I turned and looked at the front of my house, filled with 4 healthy children and a husband with a job - a good job. A bed to sleep in every day and a pillow to lay my head on. A shower AND bathtub to wash in and running water that was CLEAN. And I said to her - maybe, as much as we COULD pray for 92 bananas, we don't DESERVE 92 bananas. 

So it makes me wonder. Although I COULD scream and cry and beg for the Holy Spirit to show up and totally remake me into a type A personality so that I'd organize my life to lose weight, keep up with the clutter, and have my regular quiet time. Maybe I don't DESERVE to have Him come and do that.

And I collapsed in tears realizing what I had done...

Numbers 14: 13-23

And this is love,

Not that we loved God,

but that He loved us

and sent His son to be the

PROPITIATION

for our sins.

1 john 4:10

May your weekend be filled with the Joy of knowing that even though our sin should have kept us from the abundance;

 His sacrifice on our behalf brought us to the

 Promised Land.

I want to be a Tabernacle Mover!

This morning I did the right thing. Or at least I thought I did. I was sooo proud of myself. I had to fight a bit to do it, after all, I am in a battle here - a raging battle. It's the battle between dark and light. No! not that good vs. evil thing... literally dark vs. light. See... I love the night but I am no a big fan of the morning. How could I be? If I don't go to bed before Midnight, how on earth am I gonna wake up at 6 am cheery and ready to go?

          However.....


.... I do love my tea. Yes indeedie I do!
                   I really love HOT tea most and I especially like sipping my hot tea in the quiet and calm of a lovely candle-lit room.

some of many

One of many

Well, in this house when in the world am I gonna get a quiet, candle-lit room in which to sip my hot tea? ONLY at about 5:30 or 6:00 A.M.   Yep, that's what I said - IN THE MORNING!

Elliot Ness Farhart

So, I did what I knew was the right thing to do this morning and that was to get up with the pup at 5:45 (when he decided to awaken) and just stay up. I lit some candles and made myself a cup of very hot tea (the only real way to drink it... it takes practice) and settled in at the table to inspect the new computer program our church added to it's website. I was gonna investigate the Examen Me program, listen/read (yes, the program actually reads the passages to you) our scripture for today and begin my on-line journal.


I have to admit, I was very proud of myself. I won the battle over the sleepy, droopy eyes and excitedly settled in to my chair as I listened/read along to Numbers 8-10. We are reading, as a church, the Chronological Bible and each week our pastor is preaching a message from a previous reading. I love that because as we trudge through some difficult parts of the Old Testament we know we are in good company and he shows us weekly how Jesus is in the Old Testament too. That's not new to me but I am sure it is to some. When you see Jesus there, Leviticus and Numbers aren't quite so difficult.

But no sooner did I emit a gentle "ahhhh" as I began to listen I heard and saw with my own eyes this:

15 On the day that the tabernacle was set up, the cloud covered the tabernacle, the tent of the testimony. And at evening it was over the tabernacle like the appearance of fire until morning. 16 So it was always: the cloud covered it by day and the appearance of fire by night. 17 And whenever the cloud lifted from over the tent, after that the people of Israel set out, and in the place where the cloud settled down, there the people of Israel camped.18 At the command of the Lord the people of Israel set out, and at the command of the Lord they camped. As long as the cloud rested over the tabernacle, they remained in camp. 19 Even when the cloud continued over the tabernacle many days, the people of Israel kept the charge of the Lord and did not set out. 20 Sometimes the cloud was a few days over the tabernacle, and according to the command of the Lord they remained in camp; then according to the command of the Lord they set out.21 And sometimes the cloud remained from evening until morning. And when the cloud lifted in the morning, they set out, or if it continued for a day and a night, when the cloud lifted they set out.22 Whether it was two days, or a month, or a longer time, that the cloud continued over the tabernacle, abiding there, the people of Israel remained in camp and did not set out, but when it lifted they set out.23 At the command of the Lord they camped and at the command of the Lord they set out. They kept the charge of the Lord, at the command of the Lord by Moses.

I was aware of this....

               I had read this before.....

But I never really KNEW it. I never really THOUGHT about it in practicality. 

THIS is the tabernacle and the encampment
with the pillar of fire at night

                   REALLY?


Look at how huge this thing was? Look at all the tents and what I am sure we don't see... livestock and other things that we don't realize are part of this encampment.

I had to wonder... how many people woke up on any given morning to see the "cloud by day" ever so slowing drifting away, only to whisper "Man.... we have to take that thing down again? We just put it up! I am so sick and tired of moving over and over and over again! For What? Is there really anything so wonderful ahead of us that it's worth all this work?"

And as I found myself immersed in that image I almost screamed "YES! YES THERE IS! I promise you if you persevere you will see what amazing land God has for you. ALL His promises are true and YOU are so loved by Him and in spite of what you see and hear and feel He has amazing things planned for you!"

And then, I found myself unable to breathe... I wondered those words because, knowing who I am... the lazy, selfish, wicked woman that I am... those words would have been mine. Why? because unlike today, back then they didn't have the rest of the story.

                        I am not a Tabernacle Mover... not yet. I want to be, I am determined to be.

This is how I would prefer to spend the afternoon
This is not the image of a
Tabernacle Mover

I realized how little I like to work. Oh, I will, when I absolutely HAVE to. When it will reflect badly on me to not work, regardless of what the work entails, I will jump in and do it cheerfully (well on the outside). I am as happy scrubbing toilets as I am anything else... as long as my doing it will earn me kudos.

But, here, in the confines of my home, not so much. What is the difference between the Tabernacle that God had the Israelites build and my own home? Granted, we usually compare it to our church building and I totally get that but to be correct, isn't our home just as much a place where God meets us? Honestly, isn't everywhere we are, our Tabernacle? Doesn't God, in this New Testament age, meet us everywhere? And aren't we to reflect that constantly?

So.... being a Tabernacle mover is as much hitting the streets of Jackson with We Will Go Ministries even if it's taking me out of my comfort zone, to picking up my house when I'd rather just shove the clutter around, because clutter makes having a calm and organized school day virtually impossible. Maybe it means that I need to give up my desire to watch ANOTHER Law and Order (which I hate to admit isn't all that redeeming - although give me a blog post on that and I could find a way to view it in a redemptive way) and grab my precious gift from God, snuggle up on the couch and read to her. Even more, give in to my new teenager's desire for me to read aloud his latest assigned text instead of him reading it himself (he's a beast of a reader) if only because it speaks love to him in a way that it doesn't to me. Maybe it means recognizing each morning that I, in and of myself, am a lazy, selfish slug and without audibly asking God via the Holy Spirit to take me and make me a Tabernacle Mover I will crawl back in bed and miss time alone with Him basking in His Word, happily sipping my hot tea, enjoying the aroma of the candle lit that morning.

These are the hands of a
Tabernacle Mover

Renew my spirit Lord, only you can recreate what I have ruined. The piece of clay that you so beautifully molded has been altered by years of careless handling. Throw me back on the wheel and do whatever you need to do in order that I may delight in the work you have for me. Whether it be moving a Tabernacle when I'd rather be relaxing in front of the TV or reading to my precious children when I'd rather be reading for myself. 

Don't let me lose sight of YOUR BEST for me and my family and my life as you have created it. Yes Lord, I want to be willing to be a Tabernacle Mover!

Prayer in the PET scan....

 So, today I realized that there's even a weirder place to pray than the tanning bed... the machine you slide into for a PET scan. Now, I realize that there are probably many people who pray in those machines because they are face to face with illnesses that they are scared of. Some pray for healing, some pray for strength to confront whatever they will learn after their scan, some pray that when they die their kids won't fight over their stuff. Hopefully, some pray that Jesus will take their old wicked heart and make it new. If that machine would lead someone to their knees (figuratively) at the feet of Jesus then that experience would be worth it. But I doubt that most do "bow the knee" in the place where it makes even the toughest seem weak-kneed.

This is what they put my Gman in today.

How do I know this? Because my Gman just had a PET scan today. To give you the full picture let me start at the beginning.

 I didn't accompany him. He and I are not very "needy" people - he's gone into and out of surgery before without me there and I could easily do the same if it wasn't his intense need to protect me that draws a line in the sand for him. He had an abnormal stress test which led him to have this procedure done.

 We take Paul's command seriously in that we are

 "... not anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Phil 4:6)


Neither of us felt there was anything to be concerned about so I went about my business homeschooling the kids and he left for his PET scan appointment.

He arrived and waited to be taken back to have a portal-type needle put in his arm for them to add fluids during the test. Unfortunately the girl who did the injection didn't connect something fast enough and his blood spewed out everywhere. He joked with her not to stress, he's seen worse before and as her interest in his comment was piqued she asked him to explain what he meant. Stories, one after another, of his interesting escapades while in state and federal law enforcement ensued and by the time he was laying on the scan table, the nurse had shared them with the tech as well. By the time he was strapped in, he was definitely BMOC in the eyes of the medical staff.

They had previously asked him if he was claustrophobic before they even made the appointment and did so again today.  Both times, he told them he wasn't.  They asked him to lift his arms and lay them in little channels that kept them still over his head.  I suppose that stretched his upper body to enable the scan to be viewed well.  Then they slowly moved the bed into the machine. He closed his eyes to protect them from the laser that was at the front of the machine and was promptly told he could open them again. What happened next shocked and embarrassed this man that carries a gun for a living. The man that breaks people's doors in to arrest them and dons bullet proof vests like surgeons wear scrubs.

He began to absolutely FREAK out inside!

He politely asked if they could move him out again and wondered if there wasn't another way this scan could be accomplished. He admitted, mortified, that he "just didn't like being in there". But, because I hadn't gone with him he couldn't be given a drug to calm him and that was the only machine in the state of MS that could do the scan that he needed. So, the big tough guy that was moved into the scanner came out minutes later the  not so tough guy that realized he was pretty claustrophobic.

There was nothing he could do, and so, he took a deep breath and said "Come on then, let's do this". Thirty minutes seemed like hours as he closed his eyes and prayed diligently for God to calm his spirit. While laying there he realized that it was more than the claustrophobia that bothered him, it was the vulnerable position he was laying in. Arms locked above his head, straps around his body, inside a machine that was so close to his face that he barely could move. Gmen just don't get put in those positions.... E.V.E.R. .... or they are dead. Then, to make it worse, they injected medicine in his port to make his heart race. He went from feeling vulnerable, to anxious, to light headed and dizzy... Those 30 minutes seemed like 5 hours. For the first time in his memory he was totally submissive - totally and completely submissive - anyone at anytime could have come up to him and done anything to him and he had no power over it. He finally knew what it was like to submit himself to God.

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight

(Prvbs 3:5-6)

This is my Gman.

Another real life lesson was the realization that although God got him through that experience it wasn't in any way easy, smooth, quick, or tied with a nice neat bow. It was an agonizing experience. Every second of every minute that he was in that scanner was breathtaking and not in a good way. How often do we recognize that? We so often think that just praying through something will give us ease in it's midst. He never promises that. Sometimes we have to trudge through something that He's put in front of us like we are struggling to walk a mile in knee-deep mud. Does He get us through it? Sure. Was it a miraculously easy thing to get through? Not one bit. 

He is feeling much better now that the scan is over. It's not been read yet so we really don't know what the specifics of his issues are or if he will ever have to undergo that procedure again. It's precious of God to love us so much that He will put us into positions on occasion (or regularly in my case) that make us realize who WE are and Who HE is and that there is no comparison. 

None of us like to feel or be vulnerable, especially in the extreme way the Gman was today. But if our Creator God wants that vulnerability from us it is only because He knows that only in that position will we be able to be fully free.