I just have to rest.

I've been in the tanning bed two weeks on and off, now. I love feeling the heat from the lights beating down on me. It feels like the sun, unless I'm in tanning bed room 2. It feels like a stuffy, warm overcast day. That's not what I go in there for. I barely go in there for a tan, mostly I want to feel that feeling... the sun beating down on me. And usually, as the title of my blog suggests, I have a great time of prayer. Just me and God closed up in that machine. Except today, it's not surprising I ended up in room 2. Megan is on my mind. She is always on my mind. And the latest update isn't encouraging. I'm officially at the place of begging God for mercy. I'm not sure who I want to see God have mercy on more, her, her daddy, or her brothers. There are more people of course who could benefit from a little bit of God's mercy but I don't know them and to be honest, they aren't on the top of my list.

I tried to pray for other people. I really tried to pray for my kids. Each of them have their own struggles, hopes, visions, but to know avail. Megan is all I can think about. And because of that I feel frozen. Maybe I'd have felt better if I'd been in bed 3. I'd have felt that heat that makes me think the sun is going to bore a hole through my stomach but today it was just a stuffy heat. It seemed to go on forever too. I thought that the girl up front didn't set the timer right. My mind was racing with petitions for Megan all the while wondering if I was secretly frying. Just as I was about to open the bed it cut off. In spite of my frantic concern I still felt that cold let down that comes with the lights turning off.

I am glad that I am well aware of how finite my mind is, especially compared to the infinite mind of God. I have to dwell on that otherwise I'd dwell on the fact that the more I pray, the more people that I get to join me in prayer, the worse the reports of Megan's illness is. I have to rest in the knowledge that God is my creator, Megan's creator too. Nothing is happening to Megan that He isn't well aware of. He was aware of all this before the beginning of time. I can't fathom that, I don't need to. I just need to rest. Rest in the knowledge that He controls everything. Rest in the knowledge that obedience is my job. I'm not responsible for her healing, He is. I'm not responsible for anything but being obedient to Him. Then I just wait to see how He chooses to use that obedience.

So for now, in my frustration, my disappointment, my confusion, I must press on in prayer knowing with confidence that My Lord, My Savior, My Provider, My Healer is the same Lord, Savior, Provider and Healer to Megan, her daddy, and her brothers. He will do what He will do and in the end we will praise His name because He is worthy.

Please join me in prayer for Megan. Her trip to Disney World is supposed to take place beginning this weekend (2/28) but she is still in the hospital with pain, fever, and extremely low cell counts. We are asking God's mercy on her, that she'll be released Wednesday and able to leave this weekend for her trip. Thanks in advance for your petitions.